Scattered: The Poor, Over Expectations and Homes

Posted: February 22, 2013 in Memoirs, Sekshual
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Staying in Downtown Lekki has made me understand why we will always have the poor with us. Downtown Lekki is made up of those who service the rich—drivers, electricians, dog trainers and plumbers.

My maiguard’s family just arrived from Maiduguri. Six kids. Umar, Fatima, Aminat and the rest of them. Same thing with Ejimma who stays in a shack built on his madam’s undeveloped land. He has five kids. I took a walk with Ejimma on Sunday. He is a personal driver. We were going to inspect a danfo which someone wanted to sell for cheap. He told me how he usually disconnects a wire from his boss’ car whenever she wants to travel and he does not feel up to it. Soon, we got into a hut. A hut so dark you can’t see the occupants; you smell them. A thin girl that cannot be more than thirteen years came out.  They joked and he offered to buy her beer. When we got out, I asked him if that small girl was already drinking beer. He said, Yes. He said she fucks good too-one thousand naira for a richly rewarding session. After we priced the danfo, he gave me a nicely wrapped roll of weed as a goodwill offering.

Chill bruh!

Chill bruh!

When we got to his junction, he asked if I have films. I said, ‘Sure, I have Django, Impossible and Flight. Do you like Denzel Washington?’

He shook his head and asked if I have ‘BF’.

‘Which one is BF?’ I asked innocently.

He said, ‘Are you a learner?’ Then he made his finger into a circle and put the other finger into it.

They say a man must have one of these weaknesses; he must smoke, drink alcohol or like women? Now, only one man has a low paying job, five kids, smokes weed, watches porn and fucks small girls at ostentatious rates. We will always have the poor with us.


Yesterday, my neighbour called me to her apartment. She was wearing a short dress. She said her new DVD was not working. It was working. Talking about my neighbours, they expect too much from Simba. I was going to empty my trash the other day. My neighbor-the one who attends Cherubim and Seraphim, and sometimes sleeps in the open air-was outside.  Simba hates him.

He looked at Simba and said, ‘All these dogs dey see. Dog dey see o’

#Seer #RodentKiller

#Seer #RodentKiller

Musa, the security man came outside and said, ‘Na Police dog. Once e grow, e go dey kill monkey’

Just this small puppy that sleeps in my room and sometimes has nightmares should be a seer, rodent killer and more. Una welldone.


Look at this picture well. Scrutinize it. It’s not hotel o, that’s my room. Writing pays ba? LolIMG-20130217-00015

During the ill-fated Dana crash, I followed Dupe Killa on Twitter. She pushed relief efforts at one of the shelters. I like her name, especially the last part-‘Killa’. It’s the kind of suffix you would call a sexy girlfriend. As tweets went by, she introduced me to some folks-her Twitter family. They are good people. I would like to talk about them, but it would amount to name dropping. Okay, I’ll talk about just one.

Dammie has brown eyes. I read somewhere that brown coloured eyes are really blue with a layer of melanin. Stuff is rare. But today is about the work of her hands, not the miracle of her eyes. She’s an interior decorator par excellence. Recently, she was nice enough to touch up my cubicle It was actually fun. It happened on a Saturday. She told me beforehand to do the cleaning. Ever tried cleaning with a dog? Dogs actually find it rude when you are with them and you try to do anything apart from tickling their tummy. Finally, she arrived and power left. It was not easy painting the cubicle in heat o! Remember ‘The Pursuit of Happiness’ where Will Smith played Chris Gardner? That movie made painting seem sexy. Will Smith is humming and painting, a phone call comes in, he drops the roller, runs for an interview and gets the job. Who say e easy? I almost died painting (or rather watching Dammie paint). You will stretch your hand, you will swing hand, then paint will enter your mouth and hair. After that sha, the end result was worth it. Wallpaper, space planning and colour selection by Xstabel Designs (+2348033126941). Give ‘em a call.

Every other ugly thing like that green carpet and the green torchlight on the bedside drawer is my touch of eccentricity.IMG-20130217-00011

Life has not been easy for Simba of late. Since the makeover of my apartment, he has not been allowed in. I am scared he will do the one that will make me put ‘For Sale’ around his neck.

  1. You’re a great writer…I’ve found a new place (your blog) to help me relax after a hectic school day.

  2. Itunu says:

    Bro…..lmao@ ur gateman…..he’s funny and adventurous though! U got a great piece bro. + d interior decorator is damn so creative. She’s turn ur room to semthinElse. Neva got to see dat ur neighbor dat baths naked @ night wen u lookin 4 simba nd wit funny dvd. Lolz. Nice write up to read after ma crazy day! U sure got d world under ur pen! Keep writin ’em nd tearin ’em apart!lol

  3. B says:

    Where’s downtown Lekki #confusedface#

  4. bawllerday says:

    My best part is the last paragraph. Putting ‘for sale’ around simbas neck, lolz. I know you wouldn’t Dare

  5. Anon says:

    I love ur write-ups .it jus makes me happy

  6. Anon says:

    Osisye why haven’t you updated your blog,I miss reading your writeups,U can add me up on Yahoomessanger or send a mail with your bb pin,Just want to be your friend

  7. tessadoghor says:

    You are a writer…cool
    I can’t see your name anywhere
    cool apartment by the way
    When I move out, I’ll be sure to call the number
    (Girls only move when………….)

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