Recently, I spent the night at a female friend’s.  In the morning, I went to do a Number Two.  So I did it, and see who’s there-a floater. What didn’t I do? I flushed. I chilled, then re-flushed. I walked away so the floater would be less aware, then I barged into the bathroom, took the floater unawares and flushed. Nothing shifted.

I left.

In the evening, we were Skyping as she entered her house so she said ‘Man! My house smells like crap’. I said ‘Must be your dog, naughty boy!’

After minutes, she came on Skype and said ‘Osis, it’s youuuu. Your s**t is strong [insert Skype  arm muscle smiley]

I don’t want to say more about this. I have a strong feeling that she has told her friends and they see through my s**t. I am human. I didn’t choose this shit life, it chose me.

***

Society expects too much from us men.

Was with a lady friend the other day, and it was raining, naturally.

Next thing, this thunder struck. Heavy thing.

See, I am African. When thunder strikes, I don’t think it is a rapid expansion of air or sonic boom. I know say dem send the ting ni.

So as the thunder struck, I shook (just a bit) and screamed ‘JEZUZ’ (but not too loud).

Since then, this friend has not been picking my calls o! She says how can I convince her that I can protect her when I almost teleported at the sound of thunder.

Society expects too much from us men.

***

Ade, my Painter Friend gisted me something, I will gist you too.

He is (was) in love with this girl in Ikorodu. He buys bread and sardine when going to visit her. When she graduated from Tailoring Institute and was doing her ‘Freedom’, he sold his Blackberry phone and wrapped the money (ten thousand naira) inside envelope for her.

But whenever she comes to his house, it’s one story or the other. The first time, she said she was hungry and did not feel like eating. Another time, she said she was feeling tired and sleepy but could not sleep. Another time, she said her ears felt dirty. He did not have cotton bud and that’s how she said she can’t sleep with man when her ear is dirty. See, that’s how his thirst remained and the relationship is now over.

Ade is angry.

He said I should get car so me and him will go to Ikorodu, then he’ll park in front of her and say ‘You see your life! You that you’re forming for me, look at me now! Look at this fresh guy, Izz my guyz. Look at this car, Izz my ridez. That’s how I move around town.’

Look at me now!

Look at me now!

Lol. This gist will have a Part II, you know right?

***

Parting Shots:

(i)                 Have you read Americanah? No? Go and read it. Nice book.

Delightful read

Delightful read

(ii)               Listened to Frank Ocean’s ‘We All Try’? No? You should. Nice song

(iii)             Lay on a hammock at the beach? No? Go try it. Nice feeling.

Us

I am the one up-wearing a brown shirt, Simba is the one on the ground-with a brown coat

Till next month Guys,

Osi

Comments
  1. Jibola says:

    😩😩😩

  2. zealthinks says:

    lol….Now this is what we talking about…my waiting is now worth it…hehehehe….I have not read “Americana”….I will go read it now, I have listened to Frank Ocean’s “We all try”…I love it, Its on my top fresh playlist…and I will listen to it again…Hammock….if only I will have Simba for a day, I will re-enact a same pose as yours…hehehehe…”Beaurifuul”

    • osisiye says:

      Lol. First is that we can work out a 24 hour loan thingy for Simba, the model-with-no-agent. And yeah, feel free to share your ‘Fresh Playlist’. Good music is so hard to find.

  3. Serendipity says:

    Very nice, easy to follow read. Your writing is quite descriptive too, kinda reminded me of Chimamanda’s. I could effortlessly imagine you in every scene you painted and that Ikorodu ride with Ade your painter friend to show off to his demanding ‘ex chic’? That resonated too. I dare say I could throw up a line or two about how much the society expects from women …to be honest it’s a long list, so I think it is both ways. And to leaving *sh*t* behind, some water out of a bucket thrown into the toliet bowl would have sorted you out big time. And sure, Americanah is next on my booklist, my copy is just waiting to be devoured. Cheers!

  4. Adelaide says:

    Funny you, I’m sorry though but I’ll never read the book, the song I will listen to and hammock at the beach, I’ll think about it.

  5. @bishopade says:

    i have to do all three on your list but as i read this, all i remember is the brushing i gave my neighbour yesterday morning (Sunday 2/6/13) because of the many discomforts i get from his dog. i love simba tho 😉

  6. soji says:

    Another instant classic…
    The attention to lil details, the simplicity…
    And like our bruv, Mr Idibia, U deliver everyday scenarios in a country man like manner…
    Bless!!..

    Playlist recommendation :
    Jimmy Nevis – Heart boxing
    XO Senavoe: Beautiful

  7. Dammie says:

    🙂

  8. So u just “spent”the night?

  9. Marcel @Hybern8 says:

    I can only smile and laugh out loud.

  10. Monisola says:

    I’m just here alone,laughing to myself, I don’t even know where to start commenting from…..”the shit” or “the Jesus” or your funny friend…I don’t like reading jor…don’t hate me. The other two things on the list i’ll def do….Nice one Tafa….it’s lovely how I can read sth you write and laugh everytime I remember.

  11. If writing was music, you would be a cross of Jazz and Rock genres. Pure class!

  12. zealthinks says:

    Ok…so I had to come back again and read what has kept me laughing almost non-stop (literally) since yesterday afternoon….at some point I was not sure if it was a blog a read or a movie I watched (I was not drunk..believe me!!!) thing is your writing style makes visualizing so easy…one can’t help but become a creative movie director and unroll the movie in his mind’s eye as he reads this post…LOL…
    Oh and talking Music…my playlist is so dynamic and is determined by the current dominant phase (masculine or feminine) lately I found the feminine phase of me being dominant so i played Justin Timbalake’s “Mirror” was on the repeat before Frank Ocean’s “we all try” came and knocked it off..still rocking on my current playlist is Keisha White’s “Weakness in me”

  13. bareyei says:

    First of all na me carry last 😦 oya back to d matter; bros u toooo much. Ur s**t jist got me laughing my brains out. Nice one

  14. DVees says:

    Your posts are so random and so funny.

  15. FM says:

    Hilarious…pls can I get a pdf copy of Americanah?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s