Jehova I di ebube

na ebe anyi no

Jehovaaaaaaaaaaaa, I DI EBUBE!!!!

I mara ma, I kariri ihe a si n’ibu

The other day, one big company contacted me. That’s how they started pricing my market in dollars.

They called me for interview.

Out of desperation, see the way I was answering questions.

They said ‘Osisiye, what can you do?’

I said ‘I can take Datsun and change it to Toyota’

They said ‘Can you speak French?’

I said ‘Quelqun ton fait?’

I could see the money. I was already planning what I will do. First, I will stop buying eight naira bread in the morning. That thing just makes me sleep. Or could it be the akara? I was sha ready to be a better person.

Then they started. Oh! I didn’t tell you; they were all Indians on the panel.

‘Mr. Tafa, are you lazy? You know Nigerians are lazy. Can you work twelve hours everyday including weekends? Sometimes we work overnight too.’

One of them that looks like he doesn’t get enough sex, looked at me and said ‘I hope you are not married? Shey you don’t have sister or mother? We want you to be able to travel anytime. Hope you don’t go and marry soon?’

Another one said ‘Do you have good image in Nigeria?’

At the end, I said, see, wetin hot go still cold. Let me jeje go back to my former job.

As I was going home, a mail came in from a company I had long interviewed in: ‘You have been found suitable for the role…Come and pick up your offer letter’

At this point, let’s dance: grabs female blog reader; *Holds her close, arms at her waist, I whisper, my breath fans her neck, Someone’s playing a guitar somewhere; I lean in, She feels good, and smells better, We lean in for one moment and I break away*

Boy, was I pumped?

I have always dreamt of my resignation. I would have Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ playing in the background. It’s not going that way. Thing is I applied for a leave, and then resigned, thus taking my leave out of my resignation notice period, and the church says ‘Smooth’. I did all these in the same mail thread and my boss replied with one word: ‘Bagger’.

I didn’t choose this life, it specially chose me.

Guys, please join with me, singing:

O diro onye di ka gi Jehovah

O diro onye di ka gi

Idi ebube I mara ma

O diro onye di ka gi

***

Out of the blues, My dad sent an SMS; he’s coming to visit. First visit to my pad. Boy, was I tensioned: Is the house too small? Does the room smell of…nvm? I mean, what does the room smell of? Should I change the sheets or just buy new sheets?

Then Simba:

Started from puppy

Started from puppy

20130616_181413

Now we here

He now does this thing in which he barks, drools saliva and vibrates the cage. I spoke to him that see, you can’t do this when Popsy comes o! The general idea is ‘Osisiye is a brave and nurturing young man’, not ‘Osisiye is a wild youth who keeps a wild animal’

Then I had to sanitize the house of all these bad-bad things. A trusted advisor said I should leave a few cans of beer around; that if the house was too neat, my Dad would know it was a scam.

See, I am (was) an Akure Boy. So growing up, we had fan instead of AC and we used to warm food in the morning, no microwave and stuff.

So immediately my dad came, I was eager to impress him, I put the AC on max. He just eyed it and said ‘Osisiye, you no see weather? Abeg, off that thing. Small time, my nose go begin dey run’.

Earlier, I had bought medium catfish, efirin (scent leaf), pepper soup ingredients, cayenne pepper and yam. So I started cooking. I even put sugar in the yam, the thing was like WAEC for me.

Me and Dad

Me and Dad

I served him. See, from the place where we come, we don’t compliment. So after eating, my dad just said ‘Who teach you pepper soup cook?’.

Guys! D’you know what that means in the place where we come? It means ‘The food is good. Bravo! You, are a star’. I know because if the pepper was too much, he would have said ‘E be like say pepper cheap for this side?’

After eating, he was calm. Then he looked at the fridge top and said ‘Osisiye, d’you drink?’

I said ‘No sah’

He said ‘No be hot I dey see for there so?’

I don’t like this. After hustling to buy Hennessy, it gets to be called ‘hot’. Is ‘Hot’ not dem Aromatic Schnapps and stuff?

I just told him ‘It’s Hennessy…V-S-O-Pee sah!’

He spoke some more about the serenity of the island. Then lay down to sleep. I was happy. He had eaten, now he was resting. The visit was a success. Why was I worried all along?

Then it started to rain.

PS: My roof still leaks.

Parting Shots:

(i)                 Have you read Invisible Man by Ralph Elison? You should. I’ll give a pdf copy to anyone who wants.

(ii)               Have you listened to Shima Yam by Bemyoda? Deep stuff. Here’s the link.

Bem

(iii)             Have you mixed hot Hennessy with Coke? What the hell are you waiting for?

Drinks on Chill

Comments
  1. LOOOOL

    Congratulations on the job

  2. dazeetah says:

    Tafa, biko, go and repair the roof. Congratulations on the new Job, n d peppersoup. 🙂

  3. elolo says:

    Hahahaha!!! I am laughing soo hard I don’t care who
    Sees me now. Mehn! You are good. Nd I like the fact that you blog about ur life nd infuse it with humor. *thumbs up* btw. *hot ko hennessy ni* ur papa finish u! Lol!

  4. motunrayo says:

    Congratulations on the new job (you may be needing an introduction in chewing garlic)
    Didn’t know you can sing well. (More like didn’t know you can spell igbo songs, what was your grade in yoruba waec?)
    Thanks for the pepper soup. (On behalf of your dad)
    Fix your leaking ‘Kpanu’.
    Yes I’ve read it.
    No I haven’t heard it. Thanks for the link.
    P.S awesome stuff.

  5. NIce read..
    The new job is cool to.. Im also looking forward to the day I’d tender my resignation. 🙂

  6. Orion! says:

    LOOoooOL! Congratulations Man!

  7. Gaia says:

    Love it, too funny! Nice pic of you and your dad!

  8. nice one!! congrats on the job

  9. Sade jokotade says:

    Nice one!

  10. Lol…Tafa turning his personal life to a bestseller and comical exposition

  11. ayanzbreeze says:

    congrats bro…so where the party at? we ve to celebrate the promotion

  12. Harry Itie says:

    hehehhee… Nice one… Should come check out this pad soon

  13. Ada says:

    Nice one, and congrats on ur new job 🙂 . i haven’t read the book, wud love to get d pdf, and 4 the song i’ve heard it, it is splendid, u sud listen to faded grace, same guy…

  14. You Nigerians and your Hennesey!! Your dad has a wicked sense of humour

  15. Jeannie says:

    You post very interesting posts here. Your blog deserves much bigger audience.
    It can go viral if you give it initial boost,
    i know useful tool that can help you, just search in google: svetsern traffic tips

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