Posts Tagged ‘Agbalumo’

Driving School

There are some things that are either done too early or too late. One of those things is learning how to drive.

Tried to join a driving school the other day.

Me whenever a colleague throws me the keys and says 'You're driving today'

Me whenever a colleague throws me the keys and says ‘You’re driving today’

Bee Driving School

Every weekend, I wear shorts and slippers. A friend made the mistake of inviting me to a wedding once, and I stepped in like that. There’s just something totally liberating about wearing shorts without briefs and slippers without socks so your body can breathe.


Anyways, I went to Bee Driving school in my knickers and bathroom slippers and the Instructor said:

‘Just bring fifteen thousand naira, I will teach you how to be a good company driver. I will teach you how to behave in interview so that they will collect you’

I quickly brought out my GALAXY S4 and said in a very polished accent, ‘I only want to learn how to drive automatic’

This time, he hit my shoulder for emphasis, ‘As a good company driver, you mustu know how to drive both automatic and manual. That’s what will make you be a Chosen: your Oga will like you, and start insisting that only this boy must drive me!’

My facial expression as he continues referring to me as a driver

My facial expression as he continues referring to me as a driver

I left.

A-M Driving School

The Instructor was real nice and respectful. Called me ‘fine boy’ which is a compliment that really gets to me so I signed up.

First driving lesson: instructor told me to reverse and I put the car in Drive instead, next thing I heard was ‘Se ode ni e ni? You blind?’

‘Don’t insult me sir. I paid for this driving lesson, you’re not doing it for free!’

‘Wetin be insult for there? You pay to learn how to Drive, you no pay learn Reverse! Na me just dey help you. Your money no include learn Reverse’

See, that’s how driving school continued o: three weeks of abuses.

Me after every driving school class

Me after every driving school class

Only joy was on last Saturday of driving School, my Instructor bashed the car. Me and him looked at each other after the accident and in that glance, we passed an irrefutable truth that ‘Nobody holy pass’.


Car Owner. Day One.

I set out. My maiguard looks at me with renewed respect. I drive for some meters then I can’t see. I swear I can’t see. It’s like the Nigerian movies where a man buys a new car and as he is driving it, his village folks hit him with something. This is bad: I think of Simba, I think of you guys: who will blog for you now? Then I notice the windscreen is misty. I stop at the stall where I usually buy bread and beans and ask for a napkin. The windscreen is cleaned and the journey continues effortlessly.

I enter the Lekki Ajah expressway. I am happy to be here: to be with people who are driving to work. I am just happy to be one of them. I don’t even want to be popular on the road. I just want people to see me in the mall, in the office corridor and say ‘I saw you driving this morning’. I want to sit in the cafeteria and talk about leaking radiators and greedy mechanics. I am so happy to be one of the mobile people. I look at the many people at the Bus Stop as I pass. I want to drive close to the Bus Stop, stick my hand out of the car window and shake everyone as I pass. I’ve seen Davido do that at a concert before. Can’t I do that too? No? Okay. I continue driving.

Me first day in the car park

Me first day in the car park

Cos This Post Isn’t Random Enough:

Agbalumo reminds me of life. Whenever you bite into a globe of agbalumo, you can never tell whether it is going to be sweet, salty or sour. You also don’t know how many seeds you will find inside. Many times, I have bought a big agbalumo and been hard pressed to find two seeds inside. Other times, I have bought tiny agbalumos – for the road, just something to pass time in the traffic, something to chew on before the traffic light turns green. And in these small globes, I have found so many seeds that I thought of business ventures that could arise from agbalumo seeds like accessories, ear rings, car dashboard decorations – probably  childrens’ game that would come with many seeds of agbalumo that can be aimed at two to four players and the players would all have agbalumo shields. I think there is a lot of insight to be gained from agbalumos. Sometimes, you buy a spotless agbalumo with taut skin, a curved stem and sharply pointed peak and find a withered, dark red skin. Other times, I buy a spotted agbalumo with a weak peak, a gaping hole in place of a steam and inside I find milky goodness, fleshy innards and I know there is a God. Surely, it is not a matter of knowledge to select the perfect agbalumo, it’s God.

New Job?

Was in an interview the other day and they asked me my weakness, straight up told them ‘’I might be weak but in him, I am made strong’ [2 Corinthians 12:9]. I got the job. I’m serious!

It’s been a while and I missed this, and I’m talking too much, and I just gotta go!

Parting Shots:

(i)                  Been to the Lagos Polo Club? You should? Place is cool man: open air, cool breeze, horses grazing and racing and company so fresh, like see: they give tips in the toilet and the money remains there. Had to snap this for the family!


(ii)                Biko, if you can, buy this month’s copy of Y! Africa, that’s the magazine of Y Naija. They interviewed me on Page 15 as per my oncoming book launch and all.


(iii)         Listened to ‘Say Something’ by Christina Aguilera and A Great Big World. Soulful song. Indicate interest and I mail it to you, just like that!